Why?

Why do women insist upon allowing themselves to fall victim to abusive men? This is something I will never understand. What I understand even less is why most of these women stay with their abusers, and return to them even after they had an out. This is a question I would like my readers to think about, especially if you are a female in this situation.

I have known women that are in abusive relationships that have made a successful escape, never to return to the asshole that hurt them. It does happen and can happen for you if you are in a situation like this. So why, once you are safely out, would you subject yourself, and possibly your family, to the harm the psychopathic lunatic could cause? It isn't only you that is affected by your decision. Anyone and everyone in your life is affected by your decision to stay with this person.

If you have children, your children will be affected and possibly placed in harm's way by making the decision to be with someone abusive. I honestly believe that, if as a parent, you put your children in harm's way like that, you should be stripped of all parental rights until you are out of the situation and seek help to rectify any thoughts or behaviors you have that lead you to believe you need to be with an abusive partner.

Women need to quit playing the role of the fragile being, helpless and afraid to stand up for themselves and their family. You are far better off being alone than you are with an abusive partner. Get that through your thick skulls would ya?

Exes and Others

Wow. It amazes me how some people claim to change, but never truly do. Why is it that when someone is your ex, after a while you begin to forget why you are apart? I know I haven't been the best girlfriend to a lot of people I've dated, some reasons explained in my other blog, but for some reason my exes keep coming back to me. I think it is merely they want something familiar, and are looking to get laid, but I've noticed I can't seem to give in to their wants as easily anymore.

You see, before I had an icy cold exterior. I didn't get attached to people, and never shared emotions with others. However, since I found true love, and had my son, I've noticed that level of self protection for me is gone. I have noticed that instead of giving in to people, I'm telling them why I can't. I think some of them have been hurt by the fact that I won't go there because they genuinely wanted another shot, but others have just gotten upset that they won't be able to score and they disappeared.

This brings me back to my eternal question: Can men and women honestly be just friends? Purely platonic, no strings attached and no benefits? I begin to doubt this more and more with every passing day. There are a few exceptions (Josh, this means you.) but those exceptions are rare. I honestly miss the old days when I could just be friends with people, without the added expectation of meaningless hookups. I am still in love, though not technically in a relationship. I may be single, but my heart is still spoken for. I will not be hooking up with anyone.

I am so annoyed right now. I don't understand why everyone seems to want me (I didn't mean that as conceitedly as it sounded). I am not that great of a catch. Seriously, I'm not.

Change

Change is inevitable.  It happens whether we want it to or not.  There is nothing you can do to prevent it.  Many times you do not realize it is happening.  Once it hits however, it is hard to go back to the way things were.  It can happen though, so don't get distressed. 

I am currently looking forward to change.  I am very eager to change my situation and have a fresh start.  Many of my current friends will remain, but some of you may choose not to stay in touch with me once I move.  For those of you that make that decision, I am thankful for the time we had as friends and for the changes and insight you helped me with. 

I am realizing that I can't live in the past any more.  The past has already happened and cannot be changed.  I need to start living in the moment and for the future.  I am working hard at school and trying to make positive changes in myself to get back the good points of the "old me" without all the drinking and drama that went with it.  I don't want to be the cold shell of a person I used to be.  For the longest time I was afraid to let anyone in, even those I cared deeply about, for fear of getting hurt.  I can't block people out for fear of them hurting me; it is a risk I have to take if I want to have anyone in my life that is worth having there. 

Part of the biggest reason I have failed in relationships is that I tend to put up walls and push people away just when I start to care the most.  I get scared that they are getting too close and that I am caring too much, therefore making myself (in my mind) vulnerable for them to hurt me.  Instead of trusting that they wouldn't hurt me, I put up my walls to protect myself and push them away before they can do that to me.  It is among the quickest ways to kill a relationship, monogamous or not. 

With the knowledge I have been gaining about myself through insight and, for once in my life, actually listening to what others are saying instead of just hearing it, I am making changes (though slow at times with some small setbacks) to be a happier, healthier person physically, mentally and emotionally. 

I wish that emotional scars were like physical scars in that people could see them and therefore understand them better.  Half of the time I think that I don't even realize how many emotional scars I have, some of which are not completely healed.  All I can tell everyone is that I am sorry for not being the type of friend I should have been.  I am sorry if I pushed you away unfairly or simply disappeared from your life without reason or explanation.  I can tell you that it most likely had nothing to do with you.  I have been battling a lot of inner demons for a long time and not telling anyone or trying to seek help to work through it.  Please accept my deepest and sincerest of apologies.  I never meant to hurt anyone, and for the longest time I didn't realize I had. 

I honestly believe that once I have moved out and moved on with my life I will be in a much better place mentally.  Though it is not an excuse, living in the same house still that I lived in with my parents (both of whom are deceased) has had a major impact on me and I need to be away from this place before I can truly move on.  Hopefully that day will come soon.

In closing (for this post anyway) I would like to again offer my deepest and sincerest of apologies if you are one of the aforementioned friends that I have neglected or mistreated.  You will never know the depths of my shame over my behavior.  I have not been a good person, and I am going to do my best to change that. 

I love you all.